Archive for the 'meat market' Category
We’re not sure who wears the pants in Jack Singer’s family, but we certainly know who wears the underpants.
Last Sunday, the Warwick, N.Y. boy spent his 10th birthday attempting to set a new Guinness World Record for wearing the most pairs of underwear, KABC reports. It took 18 minutes for his parents to slip on a record 215 pairs, though Singer had to lie down after the 195th pair because his feet were asleep. The previous record was 200 pairs, KARE11.com reports.
“I feel the most excited in my life,” he tells the Times-Herald Record.
Instead of gifts, Singer asked for donations to help Marine Sgt. Eddie Ryan, who was injured in Iraq five years ago. (link)
Consider this a call to arms! (Errr, legs? Buttocks? Wev.) We must harness Singer’s awesome underwear-layering technology and use to raise awareness for Canadian seals the world over! The seals are in desperate need of our help – and I cannot, for the life of me, envision a more effective and poetic lifeline than 215 pairs of tighty whities, squeezed onto one asphyxiating human body. Except, um, 216 pairs of tighty whities, similarly squeezed onto one asphyxiating human body.
But I digress! Today, I call on seal lovers everywhere to gather up as many pairs of underwears as you can find! Deplete the bargain bins at Wal-Mart; go dumpster diving at the nearest Salvation Army; spread your request on every local Craigslist and Freecycle you can stand to join! Heck, panty-raid the closets at your male acquaintances’ fraternity houses – whatever you need to get this shit done! For every pair short of our goal, a seal will needlessly and cruelly meet his end at the end of a bayonet.
If not us, who? If not now, when?
Flashback: Summer 2005. Cape May, New Jersey. The town has just repealed its CONTROVERSIAL, CAPRICIOUS, CURSED – dare I say SEXIST and MISANDRIST (yes I dare!) – 30+-year-old ban on men in speedos. The Daily Show’s Ed Helms reports:
You know what they say: Every time a schlong sings, a seal escapes certain death at the end of a hakapik. Countless seal pups have been saved in the five years since Cape May joined the pantsless revolution. Let us pause to think of them.
Video link and details:
The Daily Show, Wednesday June 15, 2005
Ed Helms – Battle of the Bulge
Ed Helms investigates whether Speedos will attract tourists to Cape May New Jersey.
Y’all have GOT to check out this Paris Hilton/Carls Jr. spoof ad from DAVID HASSELHOFF, who’s slated to be “roasted” on Comedy Central on August 15th. Total awesomeness (the commercial, not the implied BBQ imagery):
Now, if only THE HOFF would use his powers for GOOD instead of EVIL. (Unless, unbeknownst to us vegans, that’s a veggie burger with which he is fondling dear KITT?)