To raise awareness for the seals – and, like, other stuff – by encouraging men (and women!) to send in pictures of their schlongs. It’s like “Boobs for Seals,” but common-sensical.

Men, please show us your junk shots! Show your support for the seals (and cows and pigs and cats and rats, etc.) – and your vegan sisters – with some cock cleavage. No nudity, please; simple tighty whities or boxer briefs will do.

Ladies, don’t feel left out! Don a pair of men’s undies, stuff ‘em with socks or whatnot, and snap away.

3″, 5″, 7″, 9″ – all shapes, sizes, colors, makes, models and origins are welcome.

Please like us on Facebook and share with your friends, lovers, coworkers, acquaintances and frenemies.

Remember: More friends = more schlongs = more support for the seals!

And everyone: stand against oppression, wherever you find it. Sexism = racism = speciesism. Live vegan, always and in every way.



One year ago, a well-intentioned but self-loathing Facebook user put a group together for breast cancer. “Show your bra for breast cancer support,” she wrote. This movement to foster breast cancer “awareness” did little more than provide a bunch of internet pervs with wanking material. (As if there’s a shortage of objectified female body parts both online and ITRW, amiright ladies?)

Well, this “bras for breast cancer” group highlighted another kind of cancer that’s infecting our culture, my friends. A cancer of the metaphorical kind. It’s called misogyny, you see, and it involves the sexualization, dehumanization and objectification of girls and women. This cancer manifests in myriad ways: rape apologism and rape culture; the policing of women’s bodies and conduct; a denial of women’s reproductive rights; and the use of women’s sex(uality) to sell anything and everything under the sun, including social justice movements – to name but a few examples. This cancer has been metastasizing for millennia – since the dawn of the kyriarchy – and has claimed the lives and souls of billions of females the world over.

As a vegan and a feminist, your site admin is sad to say that many of her animal-hugging brothers (and not a few sisters) have yet to acknowledge the existence and power of the kyriarchy. Worse still, many of them happily act as its foot soldiers, enforcing and reinforcing its oppressive memes: sexism and misogyny (natch), as well as racism, homophobia, transphobia, colonialism, xenophobia, ableism, sizeism, lookism – and even, at times, speciesism. Not long before the creation of this here website, the site admin was browsing her friends’ Facebook feeds when she came across a group called “Support For The Seals!,” which purported to help seals by encouraging women to send in pictures of their “boobies.” Um, say what now?

Rather than rant and bitch and blame the kyriarchy, as she so often does, the site admin decided to create her own Facebook page, encouraging the dudes in the audience to show their support for the seals by sending in their “junk shots.” Unfortunately, “SCHLONGS4SEALS” was deleted by Facebook less than three weeks after its inception, with little explanation. (The original “Schlongs For The Seals!” is still up as of this writing, probably due to its inactivity, which in part was due to initial technical problems on Facebook’s end.) Probably the creator of “Support For The Seals!” – whom the site admin has since learned goes by the name of Michael McDade, aka SeaL Shepherd, and apparently has a, shall we say, “colorful” history in the animal advocacy movement – did not appreciate the stealing of his thunder. That, and he’s homophobic as well as sexist (and racist, and xenophobic; shall I go on?). Anyhow.

And thus it is that we arrive at the creation of www.Schlongs4Seals.com. Believing a fight with Facebook would prove futile, the site admin decided instead to create her own shiny new website dedicated to raising awareness for the seals – and human women – by “embracing” and “celebrating” the power of the cock. Browse our selection of faux PSAs, make use of our promotional materials to “spread the schlong,” submit your own “junk shot” – it’s all in the name of vegan feminist activism, baby.

By applying the “sex sells” principle to men’s bodies (omg cocks!), the admin hopes to turn campaigns which rely on the objectification of women’s bodies (omg boobies!) on their heads (tee hee, she said “heads”!), thus demonstrating how truly ridiculous these ads really are. The goal is not to objectify men – collectively speaking, this is a tall order in and of itself, given the current state of things – but rather to draw attention to the so-common-it’s-downright-blasé objectification of women by using male body parts as stand-ins.


No, really.



Who runs this joint?

Although she keeps referring to herself in the third person and using the über-secretive moniker “the site admin,” the runner of this here joint does not wish to protect her anonymity. (And even if she did, the cock’s already outta the bag on that one.) The founder of www.schlongs4seals.com is Kelly Garbato, who some of you may already know from elsewhere on the internets, e.g.:





Kelly has grown bored of lengthy bios, and will not similarly bore you with her own. Suffice it to say, Kelly is a heathen vegan feminist living in Missouri with her neutered husband and six furkids (also spayed and neutered). She *hearts* dogs, vegan feminists, and vegan feminist dogs; fictional female supervillains and real-life female superheroes; good vegan eats, particularly those made by someone other than herself; and blaming the kyriarchy. Oh, and schlongs and cunts. Not necessarily in that order.
“Marshmallow Cunt” is her dog-mom Kaylee’s rollerbitch name, which Kelly has appropriated for comical blogging effect. In exchange, Kaylee serves as the website’s official radical cheerleader/gravatar. (She’d rather have a peanut butter ball, yo.)


Contacting the site admin

Should you need to contact the site admin for any reason, her email address is schlongs4seals [at] gmail.com.

Please do not use this email address to inform the site admin that she is an evil, fugly, unfuckable, hairy-legged, man-hating lesbo cunt. She is already aware.

Nor should you use this email address to tell the site admin that this space she has created is, in point o’ facts, just as sexist/objectifying/stupid as the gynocentric campaigns/borderline pornography it criticizes. There’s a discussion thread for that, yo! [Or there will be, sooner or later; until such a time, please direct your complaints here.]

Additionally, you can address all fan mail and pipe bombs to the site admin at:

Kelly Garbato
105 S. Jefferson St.
Suite C-3, PMB#264
Kearney, MO 64060

Of course, by “pipe bombs,” she means smokin’ hot phallic sex toys. Violence-(to-one’s-person)-based “terrorism” isn’t cool, mkay?

Besides, the site admin employs a test dude to open all her mail, just in case. Think of the menz!

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